Colours of the Rainbow - Pride Month

Mumbi, she/her/hers
Somewhere between Durham, NC and Nairobi, Kenya
I think one of the most frustrating things about not being out is the care you have to put into sharing your life with people you love, who might not otherwise treat you with love if they knew who you were fully. Lying becomes a survival skill, half-truths become routine and anxiety lines every engagement you have with other queer people – your people – the ones who know who you are, fully. How do you plan your life in part around something that hardly anyone in your life knows exists? How do you develop relationships with people who keep you precarious?
I often vacillate between wanting to not be so careful about my queerness and finding myself immersed in moments of love, and kindness that I am too scared to jeopardize. For now, I choose the latter, and it isn’t “OK” or “fine,” but it is what is possible for me right now. I know I shouldn’t have to keep so much of myself a secret – let me be clear, it isn’t right – but at a time when I am neither financially independent nor emotionally or mentally secure, I take hold of whatever queer moments I come across in the every day. Whether on social media, or in my writing and scholarly work or with my community both at home and at school, I generate relationships and visions that make it possible for me to live and work towards a future in which l can be queer always, unperturbed. 

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